Scars

(This post is a rambling of what's going on in my head these days. I know I said I didn't want to blog about my accident anymore, but sometimes, I just need to)

In June, I wrote about my accident and all of the details I can very vividly remember, (to be read here). I can remember when it first happened, I was SO glad that I didn't lose consciousness. I was so grateful to be able to talk and interact with my family, the paramedics and my doctors during those first few critical moments.

Today, I am still so thankful. I cannot imagine the pain and anguish it would have caused Travis and my kids had I been unconscious on the road waiting for the ambulance. But, its also the hardest thing I've ever had to mentally deal with, (and physically too).

My left leg is a big mess of scars. It has straight pretty scars from surgery and stitches. It has big blotchy scars from road rash. The funniest scars are the "cheese grater" scars from my skin graft donor site, (which happens to be almost on my booty...and makes it even funnier to me). The ugliest scars are the actual graft site on the back of my leg. I have a big scar on my back that no one sees but me and Travis that is pretty gruesome.

I am self-conscious of those scars. Not because I had aspirations to be a swimsuit model or anything; but, more because I don't want someone to see them and be "grossed out". They aren't pretty. But, they are me. So, I do my best to keep everything covered. I have to wear a thigh-high compression hose everyday (I don't like to...but most days I do) and that really helps keep the leg scars hidden when I wear a dress or skirt.

During this whole time, I have never had the pain of "why me" floating around in my head. (That may not be totally true, but if I did, I was in a drugged state of mind and don't remember asking that question at all.) I haven't dealt with the issues of wondering why did this happen to me or what did I do to deserve this.

Something I do deal with, daily, are the mental scars and those are MUCH more painful than the physical pain that I have. Remembering everything causes flashbacks. There are no specific triggers in which I can avoid to prevent my near panic attacks brought on by the memories. It just happens. For a long time, I was tormented by these flashbacks at night while everyone else was asleep. I still don't sleep very well, but a few re-runs of friends around midnight help immensely.

But, the scars are still there. Sometimes, when I am sitting in my office working away, I almost forget that I limp, until I get up to get something from the printer. Anytime I am with a group, I try SO very hard not to let this take me away from the laughing, sarcastic, joking Boni that I so genuinely am. But sometimes, in that group, my mind wanders and I remember the look on Travis's face while I was laying there.

The memories are there. They don't consume my every thought and every moment like they used to, but they can jump in my head when I least expect it. I am so fortunate to have a husband, mother and friends who don't get sick of hearing me talk through these issues a million times over, (at least I hope they don't). They graciously answer all of my questions about the parts of my hospital stay that I don't remember. I often ask Travis what he was doing at any given time or how he felt. I have this desire to understand as much as I can from every perspective and I know that is exhausting on everyone I know. (Thank goodness I don't talk about it or ask about it every time it's on my mind or they might run screaming from me! ;) )

My faith in God and HIS plans (not mine) keep me from digging into that "why me" hole that I know some people can so easily get sucked into. He is teaching me lesson after lesson. One of the easiest ones has been compassion for others and how important daily prayer is for those who are hurting both physically and mentally.

One of the toughest ones for me to learn (and I am STILL learning) is patience. Not necessarily patience with others, but patience with myself. I want so badly to be "fixed" all the way NOW...not in a few more months. (It's been 5 already for goodness sakes!). But, that's not His plan for me.

I've dealt with stares and even caught a stranger (an adult) making snide comments about me. It hurts. Almost every time that happens, I am slapped with the reality of where I am. Sometimes, I just roll my eyes and think "If they only knew..." Other times, it really upsets me almost to the point of tears.

But I remind myself, this place, right now, is all a part of His plan for me. I am right where He wants me to be and knowing that provides the only solace during the healing process.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Phil. 4:6